Healing My Wounds in the Now
It’s our passion that ignites and informs our purpose. To truly step into our purpose, we must first reconnect with our deepest passions. Last week, I had the opportunity to act with passion and purpose. I was honored to be invited to speak at the 2023 SOAR retreat for Centers of Spiritual Living, held at the historic Asilomar conference grounds.
Religious Scientists have been attending summer spiritual retreats at Asilomar for many decades, beginning with Ernest Holmes. This was my first time at Asilomar, and I was thrilled to finally make my “pilgrimage.” Many spiritual giants have stood on that stage in Merrill Hall; it was an honor and privilege to be asked to speak.
Looking back, I’m not certain I was excited to go. However, there was a sense of “How could I not?!” As the event approached, I felt a heaviness within me, something I didn’t understand. While I had no anxiety about speaking or having something to say, something was brewing beneath this heaviness.
Facing Core Wounds and Limiting Beliefs
In hindsight, I discovered a core wound. A “core wound” refers to deep emotional pain rooted in past hurts or traumas. These experiences can impact our self-image and relationships with others. Feelings or beliefs that we are broken, flawed, unlovable, or unworthy evidence these wounds. Until they are examined and healed, they can shape our beliefs, behaviors, and choices throughout life. Our unhealed traumas can drive us, and we may not even realize we are running from shadows.
The heaviness grew as I got closer to the retreat. While packing the night before, I was filled with doubt. I told Kevin that only a few were even looking for me to be there, and hearing myself saying this out loud made me sad. Like shadows unveiled by light, inner wounds can feel threatening when exposed. I was going to speak about renewal, yet I didn’t feel renewed, and the feeling was growing worse.
But the voice of a belief, birthed in trauma, kept whispering. I heard this voice for so long that I stopped noticing it until now. “‘What are you doing here? You’re not that special. You don’t belong.’ It became so loud I couldn’t ignore it, a nerve had been hit, a core wound had been triggered. A wound of ‘I don’t belong.’”
Embracing the “Newness of Now”
I wanted to be fully present and embrace the newness of each retreat moment, but I wasn’t feeling it. Tuesday. Wednesday. On Thursday morning, I observed dozens of joyful souls singing, dancing, and enjoying one another. I sat feeling heavy, burdened with an old inner script: “You don’t belong here. What are you doing here? They don’t care what you have to say; they are only being nice. What could you offer to them?” Though this might sound like “imposter syndrome,” that I was speaking that night was incidental, what I was feeling echoed from the deep well of “I don’t belong.” Unwanted.
Mindful in that moment, my mind became still, I became conscious of the unconscious. I wanted a different thought, NOW. Insight arose from my willingness to be made new, and I saw for the first time how that thought, “I don’t belong,” had been in operation for decades. I was tired of suffering.
I thought, “you know what to do, treat your Mind.” I began to offer my limited thinking to Divine Mind, willing to embody Its realization as me.
Delivering My Unique Message, My Gifts, My Self
Later that evening, behind the stage curtain before my talk, while waiting in the wings and watching the band performing, realization struck…
I was invited here! My personal purpose finds its roots in this spiritual community; this is my tribe. I belong here! I had reason to stand where my heroes once stood, not because of ego; I had gifts to share that only I could give and I was there to do exactly that!
Speaking authentically, I tapped into passion and purpose. The audience, my tribe, was warm, interested, and laughed at my jokes. No longer bound by a belief in separation, I stood healed before my community. Transformed.
For so long, I have avoided groups or conversations, waiting to be noticed or invited, not wanting to intrude. Standing on the sidelines waiting for permission. While others can make us feel welcome, our sense of belonging comes from within, when we embrace our full expression.
I left the retreat changed and renewed. I met a part of myself there, and I’m curious about how I and my world will change by bringing light to the shadow (I am worthy) and surrendering old thoughts (I don’t belong). I found my healing, belonging, by releasing past wounds and beliefs, in the newness of now.
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